Let’s face it, getting caught with ya pants down is basically like stepping in the dog’s business; it stinks, it’s gonna be messy, and there’s really no clean way out of it. But onto every sidewalk, some sh*t happens. To all those caught in the crap, you probably won’t be able to save the shoe, but here are a few napkins till you can get to another ho(se).
1. Begging (The Jimmy Swaggart defense)
Find something in your life that she didn’t know about and leeeeean on it; My dog died, my mom called me ugly, a mosquito bit me, whatever. If there’s a chance that you can tug at her heartstrings DO IT. Sure it’s a little grimey, but this is survival. Alls fair in love and war dammit.
2. Play Offense (The Female Defense)
When you corner a female, she puts the argument in the spin cycle by hitting you with reasons why your beef is your fault. What’s good for the goose is good for the gangster. Nothing distracts from a set of raggedy draws like pointing out a few holes in a different pair.
3. Minimalism (The Eddie Murphy/Raw Defense)
The objective here is to make this seem like the most insignificant thing on the face of the Earth. While doing so, try to avoid the “she meant NOTHING to me,” “I don’t care about her” clichés, while implying JUST that. Play it off, “Yes I f*cked her… but I MAKE LOVE to you.”
4. Blame It On The Alcohol (The T-Pain Defense)
Sure, it’s a bit cheesy, but it’s been done before because it works. Liquor has been known to get just as many people out of trouble as it gets them in. If you’ve had one too many and made some mistakes, that’s pretty believable. And if your lady has ever been anywhere warm during spring break, you’ll be fine.
5. Deny, Deny, Deny (The R. Kelly Defense)
When all else fails and you’ve got nothing else to lose, denial is not just a river in Egypt. Cop to taking a number but never calling. Cop to calling but never meeting. Cop to meeting but never touching that chick because it was broad day and a coincidence! There are levels to this thing.