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Tuesday, 23 October 2012 15:01

7 Things Men Hide

(BlackDoctor.org) — What is a man really thinking. For just about forever, women have tried to interpret the male species. While, in theory, every man is different, research has found a number of surprising parallels. From his fear of commitment to his fondness for cuddling, certain emotions cause many men to freeze up rather than open up. Here are some of the top secrets your guy may be keeping from you: 1. Saying "I love you" is complicated.Those "three little words" could be the most complex in the English language. While some men prematurely pull the trigger on the "L word" (a recent study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that guys tend to say "I love you" first, often driven by the idea that their partner will be more likely to have sex with them) — other guys just aren't that good at getting the words out. Instead, they show their love through their actions. How can you know for sure? Those actions may be a truer indicator of his feelings than any passion-fueled colloquy, says Irina Firstein, LCSW, a relationship counselor who has advised couples in New York City for more than 20 years. 2.…
Monday, 22 October 2012 14:41

How To Make Up

Jake and Molly were off and running within five minutes—something small—the laundry, dirty dishes in the sink, maybe something about a diaper—but somehow it turned into World War III—who did what, who always did, whose mother was right. It was ugly. Jake wound up sleeping on the couch; Molly locked herself in the bedroom.After a sleepless night, they both bumped into each other the next morning in the kitchen. "Sorry about last night," said Molly timidly. "Me too," Jake responded. Standing. Silence. "Hug?" one of them said. "Sure," said the other, and they did, albeit a bit stiffly. "We're good?" said one rather limply. "Sure, we're good." Done. Arguments happen, even occasionally bad, ugly ones. The real challenge comes in knowing how to mop up. Jake and Molly's way is fairly typical—quick and done—they want to put this behind them as quickly as possible. While this approach may be good for the heart (or gut perhaps), it's lousy for the brain. Sure, they feel better—their midnight fantasies of divorce (or taking out a contract hit) have died down—but they have made a major emotional faux pas. In the process of patching things up, they ignored the initial problem. Why? Because,…
Friday, 19 October 2012 20:17

We're Not Sexually Compatible

I am well aware that we all have varying degrees of sexual values and standards. Some of us celebrate raunchy rolls in hay, some get squeamish and immediately run for their bibles at the mention of sex, and others are just laissez-faire on the subject. It's wonderful the diversity amongst us. I personally celebrate the very act that brought about my existence because it was an act of love. Whatever your level of comfort is you must know this and guard it with everything, and I mean everything you got.No matter where you are at on the sexual scale of life, your view will be challenged. This is a give in, we all find ways to deal. It's usually not too serious until you become challenged in your own relationship. I hate being asked the question: "Would you rather have a man who blows your back out and aint sh*t or the one who treats you like a queen but could use work in the bedroom?" Aside from infuriating me, the question made me think of the men and women who fit into the "could use work in the bedroom" category. Is it fair to remain in a relationship where…
Friday, 19 October 2012 16:06

I Love You, BUT

For most of us, the dreaded words, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," are devastating. They chill us to the bone and we begin to fear for our relationship. Those words bring back past memories when we loved someone deeply, but they just wanted to be "friends." Those words force us to recall intimate relationships that came to an end with the other person letting us down easy. It feels like we're being stabbed in the heart with a knife. If this is happening to you, first recognize that the present experience has added weight because of the losses we have experienced in the past. Although we've put painful relationships behind us, the memories can still be triggered when we feel that an important relationship is threatened. So, what do you do? Here are some tips I've found. 1. Move beyond your fear to hear what he needs. When we're afraid, all we can think about are the disasters we're sure lie ahead. We ruminate over increasingly dramatic and tragic occurrences: "He doesn't think I'm attractive. He's probably going to leave me. I'm going to be all alone the rest of my life." Does any of…
Thursday, 18 October 2012 13:53

Is It Cheating?

Ask Demetria: There's no gray area when you date a married person -- you're having an emotional affair. "How often are affairs nonsexual? I've dated married women before. Two relationships were not sexual -- not because they didn't want it but because I wasn't interested." --F.T. Wow. I'm sure the husbands of the two women you didn't have sex with appreciate your lack of carnal interest in their wives. But you don't get any kudos, sir, for knowingly "dating" married women. The nonsexual relationship you allude to is most often referred to as an emotional affair. In David J. Moultrup's book Husbands, Wives & Lovers: The Emotional System of the Extramarital Affair, he defines it as "a relationship between a person and someone other than [their] spouse [or lover] that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage." Even though there's no sex, the relationship you describe can be just as devastating to a marriage as sexual infidelity. Unfortunately, the frequency of emotional affairs is hard to accurately quantify because few people confess, even anonymously, to an affair of any kind. Nevertheless, some reports say that emotional affairs are on the…
Wednesday, 17 October 2012 20:34

He Stopped Calling. Help!

Last weekend I was a guest on the R&B podcast hosted by my good friend Lincoln Anthony Blades. He asked me to discuss men jumping ship during the dating process. Before You take a listen, let me paint the picture: So guy chases down girl, guy gets girl's number, girl is like, "ok I guess so you aite, we'll talk", then guy and girl go out a few times, have a few great conversations, maybe talk about future dates, then...................................................his calling pattern changes, contact less frequent, dates? What date? A call or text may come up a few weeks later and he sincerely replies with, "been busy".............................................................................. sir?! How do you process a situation like this? I mean from bird's eye view it's simple, but when you're actually the one who was wined, dined and denied it's a whole other ball game. The answer is quite simple. The lovely man you gave your number to was probably on the prowl, has an existing relationship or some messy unfinished business on the side. When we date ideally it's more than one prospect in the running at any one time. Men tend to understand this and adopt this principle with ease sometimes…
Wednesday, 17 October 2012 15:05

Signs Your a Jealous GF

Boys night out is terror-inducing. Guys will always want time with their boys, but when you interfere with nights out with his friends, it's more than likely due to insecurity and jealousy that he's having fun without you. You have a mental GPS on him. Needing to know where your boyfriend is and who he is with at all times definitely shows that you're not trusting and probably jealous. Keeping tabs on him is definitely draining. You hate that your boyfriend has female friends. Most guys have a few friends that are of the opposite sex, but when you start to resent that fact, there's a problem. Talk of his past relationships is a no-no. If your boyfriend mentions his past relationships with girls and you find yourself getting heated and feeling threatened, you're most likely jealous and insecure You get really mad if you catch him staring. Everyones eyes wander, so don't expect that your boyfriend won't glance at another female once in awhile. Getting angry, sad, and anxious over your boyfriend looking at another woman is a sign of pure jealousy. Read more at http://madamenoire.com/223334/7-signs-youre-a-jealous-girlfriend-and-7-ways-to-stop/6/#rGWJdzMy6ghj0kzP.99
Tuesday, 16 October 2012 19:28

Are You Sabotaging?

Don't you hate when you start talking to a new guy and half way through the first phone conversation he's like, "I'm not into the games", or "females be playing games". I know my first inclination is to think: Omg I want to hang up I hope he doesn't get into some sob story about his ex-OR- what is he implying? Is this is a warning of some kind? And that's why I'm glad I have guy friends with player tendencies (PLATONIC) in my life , who truly do not want relationships of any kind. They are the most honest and forthright gentlemen a gal could have in her life. I did some "I'm a blogger, but don't worry I won't blog about you" prodding into some of their "sob stories" to find out what kind of games women played that ultimately left them to prefer the hot potato pass it on single life to the shikkity shack it up life. Of course you know that men hoe to heal so I support them on their journey, just like women repeatedly date jerks with different faces to heal. If we only listened to our men with more patience, compassion and…
Tuesday, 16 October 2012 15:44

Keeping Your Relationship Fresh

You don't know your partner as well as you think. And if you do, you shouldn't. Introducing one partner to another, even if they have been together exclusively for years, is one of the best parts of being a seasoned couples therapist. People are always changing. If you believe you know who your partner was yesterday, maybe you are missing out on who is in front of you today — and today's version is likely to be a lot more interesting than the version you think you know. Here's how to keep yourself, and your partner, fresh for one another. 1. Tune into your fantasies. Your sex life is an important part of your energy system. In fact, in Traditional Chinese Medicine, treating tan t'ien is likely to enhance and release new sexual energies to promote overall health. A universally accepted notion of healing is that life energy is vital only when it moves. If your sexual life energy is not moving, it might not be vital. Get your energy moving. Have fun with your partner by engaging in fantasy. If you can do that, you will see your entire relationship improve. Discover how the sexual energies can lead you…
Monday, 15 October 2012 16:32

7 Cheap and Creative Dates

Photo Credit: iStock.com Black Twitter is good for a lot of things: answering un-Google-able questions (why does Prince have an Afro instead of a Dominican blow-out?), getting the latest headlines ("Mittens Romney Places Foot in Mouth, Enjoys Taste"), or learning about celebrity foolishness (Santa vs. The Snowman at the BET Hip Hop Awards). However, Black Twitter is also home of boundless stupidity and bald-headed logic, i.e. the $200 date. Before Twitter convinces you to drop two Benjamins at a played-out Ruth's Chris, peep these eight dates that are cheaper than $200. Wine Tasting – One of the most underrated date ideas, ever. You get to a) taste a plethora of wines for a flat fee, b) you get crackers, cheeses and chocolates to try them with and c) you get to learn the ins and outs of what makes a wine linger in your mouth (wood barrel aging). Best of all, you actually have something to do on your date – some states are chock full of wineries (Virginia, California, and North Carolina) and you can take a tour of the facility to see how it's all done. Couples MassageTalk about sensual! Low candles, oils, and soothing music sets the…
Friday, 12 October 2012 15:28

Entering A New Relationship?

Before the autumn leaves even hit the ground you can rest assure that the chilled weather and sounds of the whipping wind won't be the only thing reminding you of what season it is. You can also count on overhearing chatter, possibly participating in a few conversations of your own, reading Facebook statuses, and coming across tweets that remind you that as soon as the temperature drops it is officially "cuffing season." For those who are unfamiliar, cuffing season is a period during the colder months in which some singles tend to desire to hook up with another person to settle down with them for the fall and winter months. These relationships usually end once the weather warms up and "choosing season" begins. I don't really buy into the "cuffing season" philosophy because I don't really feel that it is smart to rush into a relationship just because of a season (or loneliness). Rushed autumn relationships seem to frequently end in painful or even indifferent spring heartbreaks. So, before you go hopping into a relationship, check out some of the things that you should do for yourself before entering into a new relationship. Develop a clear definition of who you…
Thursday, 11 October 2012 19:43

Cheaters never win

The hit R&B group Atlantic Starr hit the nail on the head when they described the game of cheating and recorded the mega hit ballad Secret Lovers. Here we are the two of us together, taking this crazy chance to be all alone. We both know that we should not be together 'cause if they found out, it could mess up both our happy homes. I hate to think about us meeting up together 'cause soon as I look at you it would show on my face. Then they'll know that we been lovin' each other. We can't let go, no no no...we can't leave a trace. Secret lovers, that's what we are. Try so hard to hide the way we feel 'cause we both belong to someone else but we can't let go. 'Cause what we feel is oh so real. The recent scandalous events that have swarmed the Detroit Police Department are shameful. In fact, it's downright embarrassing for a city with a reputation that is already lackluster. It's a distraction to a department of men and women who are asked to go above and beyond the call of duty. It becomes even more complex when the department…
Thursday, 11 October 2012 14:20

Make A Friend A Lover

It's rare and to some, non-existent, to come across friends of the opposite sex that add real value to our lives without any pressure to hook up, which is sad. I feel that although physical attraction is what it is, we should all have people in our circle of the opposite sex who are attraction- neutral, meaning that we value them as people above anything else. There have been a few times in my life where I have had a crush on a man I considered to be my friend. I would hang off their every word and even listen to stories about other women, shaking my head and sympathizing. With each experience I strongly believed that I had a chance and that one day this friend would see me as the girl he desired. This definitely happened a lot in adolescence because I considered myself a bit rough around the feminine edges in addition to being a late bloomer (#TeamACup). I enjoyed Wu-Tang, baggy clothes and had no idea how to appeal as girlfriend material to the opposite sex. Better yet I had no clue how to do the whole "let him come to you honey"- I was just…
Wednesday, 10 October 2012 16:56

Shacking Up Vs. Marriage

Marriage is a commitment not only to stay monogamous but to be present as a social and emotional support also. The goal of marriage is for the lives of both individuals to become intertwined as one and for them to begin to function as a single entity or unit. Contrary to popular belief there are pros and cons to this complex thing called marriage. Advantages of Marriage Marriage provides one with overall stability in life. The spouse becomes an anchor, tied to which, one performs all the other functions of life. This stability is of increasing importance in the ever-changing world of today. Marriage also leads to creation of a family unit. This family unit in turn further propagates the social ethics as are prevalent in the society. It gives shape and composure to the social set up as a whole. Marriage is not called the first building brick of the society, without any reason. Ever since man turned into a civilised being, marriage has been the corner stone of the society. It is an accepted norm in all religions and cultures across the world. Marriage enjoys social sanctity like no other human relationship. Disadvantages of Marriage A marriage can…